Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
