Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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