so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
