Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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