I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
