I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
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He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
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I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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