On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
