is your mom at the bar?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
