Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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