after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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