I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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