You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
did you just send me my own nude
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
