Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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