i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?