You smell like a Billy Joel song
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
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waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
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Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!