running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
