fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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