In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
