Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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