last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
