FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
