why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
