I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
