If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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