Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's shark week go big or go home
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
