No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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