So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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