And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
