I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He better not be in your backpack
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
