Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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