apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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