My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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