you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
