Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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