don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
