im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
