I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
