we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
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