Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
if only i could text you this smell
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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