apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
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I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
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My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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