I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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