you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
