I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
