You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
