why didn't you poke me back
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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