I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
