I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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