You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
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Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
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the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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