I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just forgot I was standing up.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
