You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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