There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
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I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
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I think your dad took our porno
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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