well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
