I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
