my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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