Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
