why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
