Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
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Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.