and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems