No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
